Category Archives: Dating
Today’s dating scene has women wanting Iyanla to fix their dating lives. Dating in 2013 is challenging, to say the least. The available selection of guys in today’s dating pool has many women longing to rekindle past relationships that didn’t work out for one reason or another. Women often find themselves wondering if they’d just take their ex’s back, they could fix that “little” deal-breaker that caused them to leave him in the first place; rather than to take a gamble on new men they meet.
I’ve never thought twice about the widely known stats that available women outnumber the available men. “Available” doesn’t mean viable, and “single” doesn’t necessarily mean available. The very fact that he is even unattached, many times translates to a man who most selective women don’t want. I’ve also found that often-times, the “good” single men are bitter and aren’t interested in settling down again. They are aware that they are in demand, which means that they are taking their sweet time thoroughly interviewing women for their open positions.
Women are finding themselves making revisions to their “must-have lists” and otherwise compromising their standards to have a man in their lives. Some are even settling for that dreaded “piece of man”. Cougars are dating men 15-20 years their junior. Sugar Daddies have been replaced by Sugar Mommas. Some women are opting to date losers who refuse to work, letting them drop her off at work and keep her car all day. These types of guys become her dependent, like one of her children. Lastly, God-forbid, many women are (knowingly) sharing men.
Online dating is another gamble that many women are taking, only to find it a waste of time and sometimes money. Although this vehicle no longer carries the stigma that it once did, it remains filled with undesirables. Through conversing with single women who have tried their hand at online dating, I have compiled a list of the five different types of men they’ve met.
1. Under-sexed Ulysses
This guy is pressed for it, so much so that he blows it before he can even get his foot in the door. Not unlike a minute man, Ulysses climaxes as soon as his penis feels the heat of a vagina. Ulysses is overly anxious. He asks women to submit their boudoir pics to him before he even asks their name. This guy is oblivious to the fact that this approach doesn’t work on grown-ass women because until he came across their profile, his requests were being met by skanks who happily obliged him. Ulysses: “Hay sexii, I kno u look gud but I cant see wat u look lik. Send me pic of dat BoDy.” Selective Woman: ***DELETE***
2. Gun-shy George
George is recently divorced or fresh out of a long-term relationship, a relationship where he gave his all to the wrong woman. She cheated on him or otherwise damaged his manhood. Now he’s afraid to commit. He’s conflicted though because before he married HER, he had grand ideas of being a doting husband. She’s hated because she’s blown it for all other women. She messed up a perfectly good man, YOUR man! George keeps women drawn in because deep down inside, he knows that he truly wants a good woman. So he gives the good woman just a little hope to keep her coming back each time she’s made up her mind that she was DONE!
3. Overly-Confident Oliver
Oliver ain’t shit…but he’s fine as hell! He has the body of a Greek god and has several women dickmatized. He’s so smooth and so slick that he’ll trap a woman who knows full well that she’s signing up to be part of his harem. She already knows that she’ll have to get in line on holidays but the sex promises to be the bomb, so she signs up anyway.
4. Sam the Snail
This type of man says that he longs to be in a relationship but you’ll soon find out that he’d rather talk about it than be about it. Sam has perfected being a loner and as bad as she’d like him to, he just doesn’t give her the time to catch him or show him what she’s working with. He’s a great man and looks GOOD on paper but that’s as far as it goes. He keeps promising that he’ll call and plan a date but he never does. Work, hobbies, education, social groups and various other “somethings” have taken the place of his desire to be in a relationship. She exhausts every trick in her bag of feminine wiles to capture his attention, to no avail.
5. Perfect Patrick
Patrick is definitely few and far between. A rarity. You’ve heard stories of Patrick, but finding him is not easy. Patrick, like Boaz, is God-sent. He’s the perfect mate…attentive, honest, articulate, communicative, supportive, loving, considerate, sexy, affectionate, kind, and an awesome provider. If you are so lucky to be found by Patrick, you know that you are truly one of God’s anointed-blessed-and-highly favored daughters.
I wish it weren’t so complicated. I wish that every woman who desires a committed relationship could have one. It would be nice if it were as easy as sitting next to him on a church pew; or bumping into him at the grocery store. Instead, it seems like a game that’s harder to figure out than the next level of Candy Crush Saga.
I’ve been told that if a woman pursues a man for a relationship; eventually he will lose interest because he was not the pursuer. Further, that if a man is interested in a woman, all she has to do is be still─be herself and he will come for her.
I’ve also been advised that not all attention is good attention; that women tend to do too much in an effort to pursue and attract men only to turn them off. To that I say, “be seated, please—and stop giving bogus relationship advice!”
The commencement of any mating connection will vary depending on the personalities of both parties involved. There are no rules of engagement. Not all men are the same. Therefore, not all men are attracted to the same things. Some men are aggressive and hunters by nature─not all men. Some men would rather be approached. Some are hesitant to approach women for fear of rejection. Then some men are just shy; they’ll watch women from afar but will never make a move. I also find that there are men who are responsible enough to not enter into relationships when they’re not ready. They’d rather deal with the issues or circumstances that they currently face before bringing a woman into the middle of their chaotic situation.
So if a woman is interested and wants a man to notice her; what is she to do? What would be wrong with expressing our interest in a mature and direct manner? Surely it would be more welcomed instead of playing games and hinting around at what we want. We should be honest and let men know how we feel. (Men ought to do the same.) If he is a mature man, he won’t be intimidated and will respond in a respectful responsible way. I further feel that if a man is really into you, is attracted to your personality and enamored with the many characteristics that make up the sensational YOU, the things you do will be a complete turn-on rather than a turn-off.
Personally, I am not afraid to make my desires known to a man. I do though, refrain from going as far as asking him out; but I will certainly let him know I’m attracted. After doing so, I tend to leave the ball in his court. I feel that once I’ve broken the ice, it’s up to him to take the lead if he’s interested. I firmly believe in the man being the head of the relationship, the leader. I realize that not everyone is keen on that concept. I guess I’m forward thinking and old fashioned at the same time. If I’ve let a man know that I’m into him and he chooses not to ask for my phone number or ask me out, I’ll assume he’s not interested. I’m not afraid of rejection, just as I’m not afraid to reject who or what’s not right for me.
We all face the possibility of rejection however, closed mouths aren’t fed. There is absolutely nothing wrong with pursuing what we want. In fact, we should.
Unfortunately men typically aren’t very open and forthcoming about what their emotional desires are in a relationship. However, they will intricately and without hesitation, describe their idea of their perfect woman’s physical attributes. Men are even more adept at telling you what they don’t want or even what they won’t compromise in, as it relates to a women’s appearance or weight. Therefore, we’d like to think that physicality is the only thing they care about. When I talk to men who openly confess their emotional desires, I immediately take mental note. In some cases, I will actually draft a note on my BlackBerry in order to record the sparse jewels of information they offer, to later share with women I know.
Some men claim they are simple and easy to please. I beg to differ. I don’t think that women should rest on or feel comfortable in that premise. What I do think is that men desire fundamental basics in relationships that should be common but as the phrase goes, ‘common sense isn’t common’. The following are a few of those fundamental desires of the men I have spoken with. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but certainly a good outline to begin with.
1) Men crave honesty.
Be honest and truthful. If you two are serious about one another why be dishonest with one another? ~ Andrew
Women are not the only gender who desire truthfulness in relationships. Many men feel tricked and coerced into relationship. They contend that at the start of a casual relationship, women will say they want nothing serious in order to trap them, only to later demand commitment. Some men feel as though women lie and pledge their love when they barely even like the men they are with. Another point of importance to men is to know how promiscuous a woman has been in the past. When a woman lies about the extent of her sexual history, men tend to take that as a blatant disrespect. I’m not saying that we should disclose all of our secrets in the beginning of a relationship. However, it is only fair to own up to every scandal before it is uncovered later. Whatever it is could be a deal-breaker. We require transparency, they do as well. ‘The truth will make you free.’
2) Men want to be held accountable. I’m not sure how the tables turned exactly, but men used to be the stronger sex. Too many women are playing the role as the man and letting men get away with not being men. Women are becoming more forgiving of their men’s shortcomings which is only creating weak, wimpy men who won’t stand strong and aren’t responsible. We cripple men and enable them when we sweep their errs under the rug and refuse to shine a light on their mess in an effort to keep them. Men don’t respect weak women. We are to stand with them, not allow them to walk all over us.
Love us less. Women, starting from our mothers to our lovers, overlook our faults and shortcomings. Love us enough to let us know what they are.
To quote Olivia Pope, “Love is making him face who he is”.
3) Men need our respect. Respect is one the most fundamental necessities in any relationship, especially the one between a woman and a man.
It (respect) is an essential component of submission and protection of a man’s interests…the respect of a woman ignites and affirms a man’s passions. We want that more than love. ~ Toby
It’s important to ensure that they are confident that we not only respect them within our home, but that we also do so in public. Which means not trashing him to your mother or your girlfriends when he messes up. What goes on in your household should remain there. Your respect for him should also be evident in the way you communicate with him. Belittling him or challenging his manhood is the most disrespectful action to a man. Respect him by valuing his gifts to your relationship and honoring him as the head of your relationship.
4) Men want their love and commitment to them affirmed.
I am always looking to be affirmed in a relationship. The relationship goes astray when one of the parties feels as though they are not valued or the other is not receptive to the gestures of commitment and affirmation. Thus for me, I need to be assured of your equal commitment. ~ Steve
We want to feel as though our love is reciprocated and appreciated, men are no different. Don’t think that women should be the only party put on a pedestal and catered to. A real woman knows how to make her man feel like a king. While in a room full of men, she makes him feel as though he is the only man she sees. Shower him with surprises. Brag on him to your friends and families. Let him know that you not only love him, but that you also like him. Make sure that he knows that he is your best friend.
5) Men want to know that they are understood, not merely heard. They want to be certain that what they have to say matters. Don’t discount their opinion as if yours is better. Their wants and desires for the relationship are as equally important as ours. We tend to talk a lot, men – not so much. When communicating with them, allow them to fully express what’s on their minds instead of talking over them. Nothing is more frustrating than trying to get your point across and the other party refuses to hear you. Always be a listening ear to them. Be their confidant. Make certain that they know that their thoughts are valued.
Listen. Work hard to understand and learn me. ~ Will